Leave that Chicken Alone!

Don’t f*** with your chicken.  It’s like how Coco Chanel said, "When you get dressed, always remember to take one accessory off."  I like to apply that mantra to roast chicken, although, truth be told, I am never the one roasting the chicken in the first place.  I just like to sit on the sidelines, take notes, give directions, and offer witty insights.  Except that my insights are usually not so witty (or at least not as witty as I might like them to be). 

Back to the chicken. You should really just let the chicken stay naked, like a child that never wants to put on a shirt. If you want to make a tasty roast chicken - and note here how I keep typing the word chicken over and over again because it is my favorite word –truss the bird and put it in a pan and rub some salt on it and a little thyme and put it in the oven for fifty minutes.  Don’t overcook it!  This fatal mistake has led many an amateur chef to wonder why their meat is so dry, and many a polite guest to have to fake enjoyment at a dinner party while trying not to choke.  If you want to give your chicken that tanning salon glow, go ahead and brush it with a bit of butter just after it comes out.  Buy Kerrygold or something more expensive.  If you get cheap butter from the Safeway your husband will complain and call you a cheapskate. Give your bird the very best in butter! The resulting chicken will be more golden than Goldie Hawn on Overboard, and it’s breasts just as juicy and tender. 

Recipe: Simple Roast Chicken (thank you Thomas Keller, Bouchon)

Ingredients:

1 happy chicken, super small, 2-3 pounds if you can find it

salt

pepper

thyme

butter

Directions:

1. Truss the chicken - you'll have to look elsewhere to figure out how

2. Place the chicken in a frying pan

3. Rub salt and pepper on the chicken

4. Roast in the over at 450 for fifty minutes

5. Pull out and sprinkle with lovely green thyme and baste with butter

6. Let rest for 15 minutes

***Don't forget to take off the trussing twine

Cafe Yummi - Not So Yummy!

Note to self: Next time you are tempted to sample the orange honey chicken from the Chinese food restaurant in the Pioneer Place mall food court, think again. Once you have been pulled into the area in front of the counter, you will have no choice but to buy a meal because you feel guilty, and the little lady standing under the hot fluorescent lights looks so sweet.  You will eat your chicken and lo mein $5.99 special and think, “gee whiz, it’s just like being a teenager again,” but the truth of the matter is that it wasn’t that good when you were a teen, and it’s not that good now.  And it’s certainly not good when you are up all night feeling sick and are doubled over in pain.

On another note, my husband commented commented, upon eating his Cajun bourbon chicken and rice meal, that all the food in the mall was “Chinese Food”, and it all looked the same. He was kinda right.  Although, I was careful to point out the Sparro didn’t really fit into the heading. 

My Secret

I have a dirty little secret.  I love junk food. And I can't stand people who don't. I hate those folk who say they are above salty sugary processed snacks. You know the ones.  They say things like, "I haven't thrown away plastic packaging in three years." and "I don't eat Hershey's chocolate because it's not organically and sustainably produced by an eco-conscious local business that gives it’s South American cacao bean plantation workers a living wage." Yeah, right. I know you like Cheetos too. Don't even pretend you take no pleasure from crunching and munching and licking the bright red cheese particles from your fingers. Your self-restraint is bordering on obnoxious moralism. Loosen up. You take yourself too seriously. It's not that big a deal to eat a bag of chips.


Recipe: Cheesy Mix


Ingredients: 
Smartfood Popcorn 
Doritos
Cheetos


Directions:
1. Mix that stuff up, yo
2. Watch a movie and pig out
3. If you feel inclined, try and take an artsy photo to elevate the mix to high class (see below)

Good Advice

If you can’t cook, you need to hook up with someone who can.  Like a husband.  Or, you could learn to cook yourself.  I call myself a sous-chef of sorts. My specialties are Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and washing dishes. When it comes to chopping onions, I’m not so hot. It’s hard to make those dicey cuts all the same-size.  Especially when the guy doing the cooking is quite picky.

Mmm, check it out! Meg's specialty. 

Introductions

I must confess, I am a lover of chit-chat and not too good of a cook.  But I like to eat.  And sometimes I talk with a mouth full of food.  The best conversations are had over dinner.  They would be had over lunch but I never get to have a decent lunch because I am at work.  So dinner is it.  It doesn’t have to be fancy, just tasty.  And many things fit the bill of being yummy and delicious.  Like this gorgeous vegan tomato soup. Although I usually prefer my soups with cream, this one was perfect for a hot summer day.

Why Mouthful?

With His Mouth Full Of Food

Milford Dupree, though he knew it was rude,
Talked with his mouth full of food.
He never would burp or walk out in the nude,
But he talked with his mouth full of food.
His mother said, "Milford, it's crude and it's lewd
To talk with your mouth full of food.
Why, even the milk cow who moo'd as she chewed
Never talked with her mouth full of food
And the cuckoo would never have ever cuckoo'd
If he coo'd with his mouth full of food."
His dad said, "Get married or go get tattooed,
But don't talk with your mouth full of food.
And if it was a crime, you would surely get sued
If you talked with your mouth full of food.
Why just like an animal you should be zoo'd
As you talk with your mouth full of food.
Cause you know we're all put in a terrible mood
When you talk with your mouth full of food."
They pleaded and begged. He just giggled and chewed.
He laughed with his mouth full of food.
And all they advised him he simply poo-poo'd
He poo-poo'd with his mouth full of food.
So they sent for the gluer to have his mouth glued
Cause he talked with his mouth full of food.
And now instead of "Good morning", he says,
"Gnu Murnood. I wun tuk win mny marf furu foog."

                                                          -Shel Silverstein